AIDS & WOMEN : One HIV-positive student wrote her master’s thesis on the virus’ effects on relationships.

Gennifer Sanders sits in her cramped Toluca Lake apartment, clutching a 64 page master’s thesis bound in gold paper. She flips through the work several times, finally turning to Page 1. She reads:

“As women, we are raised to define ourselves by the relationships we have with men. We have been socialized to be care-givers--as wives, mothers, daughters and sisters. A great deal of validity is received by the ability to have and raise children.

“An HIV-positive diagnosis wreaks havoc with all these areas. . . . Not only can the idea of marriage seem hopeless, but mere dating may become so stressful and painful, it hardly seems worth it.”

So begins Sander’s thesis: “The Effects of an HIV-Positive Diagnosis on Heterosexual Women’s Intimate Relationships.” Sanders, whose name has been changed for this article, submitted her study of eight HIV-positive women to North Hollywood-based California Family Study Center in July, completing her master of arts degree in marriage, family and child therapy.

Although her statement sounds grim, “discovery of HIV doesn’t inevitably have a negative effect on women’s sex lives,” said Sanders, 27, who discovered she was HIV-positive in March, 1987. “But the women I interviewed said that communication in relationships immediately suffers and is usually why a relationship ends.”

HIV-negative men commonly reject women with the human immunodeficiency virus, Sanders found, and such women often feel like sexual pariahs or “loaded guns.” But Sanders found that this, too, was not inevitable. Five of her subjects, ages 35 to 53, have had relationships with HIV-negative men; of these, one relationship has lasted a year and is ongoing.

Since her diagnosis, Sanders, who was infected by an IV drug user when she was 17, has had two relationships with HIV-negative men, one lasting two years. Both men knew her HIV status.

One of Sanders’ subjects, Diana, placed a personal ad in a local newspaper clearly stating her HIV-positive status, and received responses from 40 sero-negative men. Some men abandon relationships from the stress and phobia of dealing with an HIV-positive partner, although they have practiced safe sex and have repeatedly tested negative.

Michele Harway, Sanders’ thesis adviser, director of research at the center, said the study was “a wonderful idea and one that I knew hadn’t been done before. The reader gets a perspective on how HIV-positive women deal with compounded issues not seen in other infected groups.”

The qualitative study weaves together the stories of the eight women--among them a hairdresser, an artist, a yoga instructor, a comedy writer, a bookkeeper--revealing their dating experiences and coping methods. Diana reads voraciously about the virus, Sharon smokes marijuana to relieve stress, Pam does step aerobics, and Molly, who finds support groups depressing, attends Friends for Life parties, monthly events in Los Angeles for HIV-positive heterosexuals.

From getting burned out on strict diets to eating whatever they “damn well please,” the women seem to have lived several lives in a few years as they experimented with new approaches. Living with HIV has left them numb, innovative, introspective, weary, resourceful and jaded. Their collective voice seems to cry, “I’m still here.” Most would be thrilled if they could just forget about the virus for a while.

A few of the women have encountered too many HIV-negative men eager to date them. (Roxy calls them “death-wish guys.”) Another now refuses to date because the guilt from infecting her child is too great.

Dating is perhaps the greatest source of stress a single HIV-positive woman faces, said Sanders, who counsels patients at a Northridge mental health clinic toward her goal of becoming a licensed therapist.

“The question is, when do you tell a guy you’re HIV-positive?” said Sanders. “If I tell them right away, they might freak out and leave before they have a chance to realize I’m worth knowing. But if they get to know me first, they might be upset I didn’t tell them sooner. And the longer I wait to tell them, the more stressed out I get. There’s just no non-stressful way to do it.”

Seated in her apartment, Sanders said that she went “totally numb” after her HIV test, suggested by her doctor who was unable to determine the cause of her fatigue.

“I had tremendous anger toward my old boyfriend, Greg,” Sanders said, glancing at a Marc Chagall print on her kitchen wall. “He kept his drug use hidden. I had put him and the craziness that surrounded that period behind me--and it was back in my life again.”

Greg died from acquired immune deficiency syndrome two years ago.

Sanders, a statuesque woman with cropped red hair, said she regrets having to remain anonymous.

“I really don’t want to perpetuate the stigma that AIDS is something to hide and be ashamed of,” she said. “But I have reason for being cautious.”

After she was featured in a news show last year that discussed her HIV status, Sanders said neighbors in her apartment complex began harassing her, accusing her of willfully infecting others.

“Their ignorance astounds me,” Sanders said. “I’ve heard people here say they’re afraid of getting HIV from the Jacuzzi.”

Among her subjects, Sanders interviewed four mothers: Two had husbands who died of AIDS, and another lost her only child, a 2-year-old daughter, to the disease. The guilt a woman may feel about becoming infected is magnified if she has passed HIV to her child or husband. Fear of orphaning children is great, and many mothers feel tremendous loss at the prospect of missing out on their children’s milestones.

“For many mothers, their kids are what keeps them going,” reads Sander’s thesis.

“My daughter is my inspiration,” Diana relates in the report. “She’s what is making me fight and hold on.”

Sanders remains symptom free, but she takes vitamin B-12 shots for her fatigue.

She said her family is supportive, but she mainly relies on weekly visits to a therapist, Friends for Life parties, and talks with her AIDS Project L.A. “buddy,” a supportive friend secured through the organization.

“My biggest struggle is helping her to contain and process the anxiety and rage surrounding her HIV status,” said Sanders’ buddy, who also asked to remain anonymous. (Her high name recognition is linked to Sanders’ and would effectively reveal Sanders’ identity.) “You have a sense she’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop--she’s been HIV-positive for a long time.”

The average time between infection and the onset of AIDS is 10 years, which Sanders reached on a recent birthday.

The greatest support HIV-positive women can receive during such stressful milestones, Sanders said, is from other HIV-positive women.

“And the best thing to do is talk to a healthy, vital long-term survivor,” according to her thesis.

“There’s still a lot of denial out there,” said Sanders, taking a drag from a thin, brown cigarette, an occasional indulgence. “I know of people who think they can tell if someone’s HIV-negative--by how they look and the impression they get--when, in fact, there’s no way to tell that someone’s HIV-positive or -negative. The virus doesn’t discriminate.”