Irvine School Board Teaches Dumb Parents Who’s Boss

Having thus far missed out on the opportunity to raise children, I can comment on the task with a level of all-knowingness frequently reserved for the smug dilettante.

“I wouldn’t let my kids do that� is the phrase that most often enters my mind after watching my college-educated friends being manipulated once again by a 6-year-old with only partial command of the language. And I can only sit back and marvel at the succession of Parental Nuncio edicts, delivered with the best of intentions but which invariably have a life span exactly equivalent to the length of their little angel’s mood swings.

So, I kind of mosey through life knowing full well I could do a much better job of raising people’s kids than they do.

Hmmm, maybe there’s a position for me in the Irvine Unified School District.

Under the category of “I’m-Sure-They-Mean-Well-but-Is-It- Really-Any-of-Their-Business,� the district is considering a proposal to require all elementary school pupils under their dominion to wear helmets while biking to and from school.

No word yet on whether they’re also considering a color code requirement for the helmets.

All right already, I’m thoroughly unqualified to speak to the subject. But I wonder why the school district feels compelled to come up with a safety plan for children that the kids’ parents can’t come up with themselves.

I’ve always seen Irvine as the kind of place where Dan Quayle will want to settle down after his political life ends. It’s a city of greenswards and family values and the politest darn cops around and where people can be as tall as they want, unless otherwise specified by the city’s General Plan or their neighborhood home association.

I thought it was a city of bedrock conservative values--the last place where families would want any governmental interference in raising their kids, thank you.

Does the school district think the parents don’t know that helmets would make their kids safer? Given the education level of the average Irvine parent, I’d wager they’re well aware of the safety advantages of a helmeted biker and have probably already considered the benefits of outfitting their children.

If they’ve decided not to, for whatever reason, that’s a family secret that should stay locked away forever.

Once upon a time, public bodies came to the rescue when adults either couldn’t or wouldn’t do the right thing for their kids. If parents couldn’t provide breakfast, the government could. If the parents couldn’t afford shoes, a public agency could.

That is the essence of public service--provide the necessities that families can’t.

But now here comes Irvine Unified, apparently ready and willing to extend its parental function into whole new realms:

“PUT THAT HELMET ON, JASON, OR YOU DON’T GET ON THAT BIKE!�

What’s next? Requiring every student who brings a sack lunch to have a food from each of the major food groups in the lunch bag, as a means of promoting good health? And shouldn’t that peanut butter sandwich be on whole wheat instead of enriched white bread?

What’s that, your child watches MTV after school? Perhaps another proposal from the administration is in order to the laggard parent--this one requiring that the child view instructional tapes for three hours each night.

Why not a requirement for phosphorescent clothing to be worn by children at night, just to cover for those parents who now let their kids outside in jeans and T-shirts?

There is virtually no end to the things a well-intentioned school district could think of to make up for the shortcomings of parents. And, let’s face it, any parent willing to cede his or her authority to the school district on whether their child should wear a helmet probably wouldn’t mind some other intervention.

“JASON, THIS IS THE SCHOOL DISTRICT SPEAKING. PLEASE EAT YOUR PEAS AND THEN GO UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!�

Sure, Mom and Dad could tell Jason to eat his peas and clean up his room, but somehow it just sounds more authoritative when the school district says it.

A good idea for kids to wear helmets when biking? Probably, especially on busy streets.

A good idea for the district to suggest it to parents? Yep.

A good idea for the school district to require it? Nope.

That’s a parental option, all the way. You take care of the kids while they’re in school, we’ll take care of them everywhere else.

The district’s desire for intervention just proves the old adage: There’s nothing easier than telling someone else what’s best for their kid.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.