Return Fire

A sampling of printable put-downs for hecklers, from the arsenals of stand-up comics:

* Shut up. I don’t go where you work and unplug the Slurpee machine.

* I didn’t know Spam could talk.

* I can’t believe that out of 2 million sperm cells, you were the fastest swimmer.

* When you use those microwave ovens, you’re supposed to keep the door shut.

* That was the ventriloquist part of my show. My lips didn’t move but some dummy was talking.

* Waiter, can we have one more drink for this guy? He’s still conscious.

* I remember when alcoholics wanted to stay anonymous.

* This is a microphone; that is a beer. This makes me a comic; that makes you a jerk.

* For unintelligible drunks: I’m sorry. I don’t have my English-to-Quaalude dictionary.