More Yuletide Classics From Television Land

Pardon the boasting, but it was in this space last year that you were introduced to “Frosty the Anchorman,” “Jingle Bart,” “Deck the Airwaves” and “Roseanne the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” all of which went on to become global classics.

And now, for those of you who are again planning to carol on Christmas, this column offers as a public service the second annual Holiday Songbook Inspired by Television.

Follow the bouncing ball. . . .

O Little Town of West Palm Beach

(To the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)

O little town of West Palm Beach, how we do see thee lie!

Above thy deep and nightmare sleep the tabloid stars go by .

And in thy dark streets shineth the television light .

The hopes and fears of all the press are met in thee tonight.

For Nielsens are born of scandal, and gathered all above.

While mortals sleep, the media keep their watch of wond’ring love.

O morning stars together proclaim the hardly holy Willie!

And praises sing to ratings kings, and TV dots so silly.

How dramatically, how dramatically, come the testimony’s facts!

As lawyers impart to media hearts the blessings of their acts.

No ear may hear Pat screaming, but in this world of sin.

Where meek souls will receive Him, still the dear Ted enters in.

Where both sides pure and happy pray to the blessed Child.

Where misery cries out to thee, the tabloid press so wild .

Where titillation stands watching and greed holds wide the door,

The dark night wakes, the glory breaks, and jurors come once more.

O media of West Palm Beach! Give truth a trial we pray;

Cast out your sin and enter in, be reborn here today.

We hear “Hard Copy” dishing, “A Current Affair” the same;

O come to us, abide with us, delete this ugly game!

God Rest You Merry, Democrats

(To the tune of “God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen”)

God rest you merry, Democrats, let nothing you dismay,

Remember there’ll be more TV before election day.

To save you from NBC’s debate when your bums went astray.

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy!

From public opinion polls a blessed angel came;

And unto certain Democrats brought tidings of the same;

How that in New York State was born Mario by name.

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy!

“Fear not, then,” said the angel. “Let nothing you affright;

“This day is born a Savior of charisma so bright,

“To free all of those who trust in him from George’s power and might.”

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;

O tidings of comfort and joy!

But hark you merry, Democrats, the party’s in a stew,

You may want old Mario but he sure don’t want you;

To put him in TV makeup and show what he can do.

O tidings of comfort to George, comfort to George;

O tidings of comfort to George!

Silent Crime

(To the tune of “Silent Night”)

Silent crime, holy crime.

TV is murder, TV is slime.

Round yon hooker, mother and child.

Holy killer so evil and wild.

Sleep not, call the police.

Sleep not, call the police.

Silent crime, holy crime.

Ratings and slaughter rhyme,

Blood streaming from victims afar,

Six druggies a night is par.

Crack the Savior is born!

Crack the Savior is born!

Silent crime, holy crime.

Son of gore, prime-time grime.

Fear all over the viewer’s face,

Killer stalking with quickening pace,

Jeopardy the programmer’s joy,

Jeopardy the programmer’s joy.

Silent crime, holy crime,

Serial slayers all the time .

With the felons let us sing,

Alleluia to our drug king;

Crack the Savoir is born!

Crack the Savior is born!

The First Nielsen

(To the tune of “The First Noel”)

The first Noel the anchor did say,

Was to certain poor viewers in fields as they lay;

In fields where they lay keeping their sheep

On a cold winter’s night when the dung was so deep.

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel,

Born is the newscast that truly does smell.

Viewers looked up and saw a star

Reading from a TelePrompTer, beyond them far;

And to the earth he gave such a blight,

That his aroma of dung lingered day and night.

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel,

Born is the newscast that truly does smell.

Talk Show Hosts We Have Heard on High

(To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard on High”)

Talk show hosts we’ve heard on high

Enviously wailing o’er the plains,

Phil and Sally they do cry

Joan and Maury have tear stains.

Gloria in excelsis Deo,

Gloria in excelsis Deo.

Geraldo why this sullen plea?

Montel why your strains prolong?

What the mournful tidings be

Which inspire your heavy song?

Gloria in excelsis Deo,

Gloria in excelsis Deo.

Come to Chicago and see

Her whose birth Her stations sing;

Come adore on bended knee

Oprah dear, the reigning Queen.

Gloria in excelsis Deo,

Gloria in excelsis Deo.

See Her on the screen so grand,

Whom the choirs of stations praise;

Atop the ratings She does stand,

Causing rivals such malaise.

Gloria in excelsis Deo,

Gloria in excelsis Deo.