Impotents’ Group Helps Couples Revive Sex Lives : Meetings at Hoag Hospital let couples know that the problem can be overcome.

After raising three children and sharing nearly three decades of intimate, satisfying married life, Gene and Ann were faced with a loss they had never expected.

Gene was gradually becoming impotent, and they were both so frustrated that they finally decided to stop trying.

“We tried to make ourselves non-sexual,” Ann says.

But for two vibrant people in their early 50s, abstinence proved to be as difficult to accept as repeated failure.

“We found that we were getting away from the touching and all the good feeling that comes from that,” Ann explains. “When you shut down sex, you shut down other things too.”

“I couldn’t handle it,” Gene adds. “I was completely frustrated. I thought, ‘If I can’t do what’s expected of a man, what’s the sense of going on?’ ”

He finally told his wife, “This isn’t the way we should have to spend our lives.”

And she wholeheartedly agreed.

The Anaheim couple, who asked to remain anonymous, felt certain that Gene’s impotence was related to a spinal cord injury that had required surgery, but they hadn’t been able to find a doctor who would confirm this--or offer a solution.

Their six-month attempt to give up sex for good convinced them that they should keep asking questions until they found an answer, and their persistence paid off.

They finally found a doctor who concluded that Gene’s impotence had been caused by permanent nerve damage from his injury and the surgery. After having been told by others that he just needed to lose weight--or see a psychologist--they were relieved to have their suspicions confirmed. And even more so to find out something could be done about it.

About 1 1/2 years ago, Gene went through relatively minor surgery to implant an inflatable penile prosthesis.

Since the surgery, Gene and Ann have been regulars at the monthly meetings of Impotents Anonymous at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. It was in this setting, after eight years of disappointment, that they began to believe they would someday enjoy sex again.

They are among many couples who faithfully attend the support group meetings to let others know that impotence can be overcome. (The meetings are held at 7:30 p.m. on the third Wednesday of every month in the hospital boardroom. For information, call (800) 445-7367.)

Ann always reassures the women at these meetings that they are not to blame for their husband’s impotence.

“You both feel like it’s your fault, like you should be able to change it--but you can’t. It’s totally frustrating for both of you,” she says.

Meanwhile, Gene sympathizes with the men attending for the first time, because he knows how difficult it is to talk openly about impotence.

“It’s completely against a man’s ego to seek sexual help,” he says. “But for the poor guy out there who is thinking about this every day, there’s hope.”

And for the many men who are practically dragged to their first Impotents Anonymous meeting by their wives, there is information that relieves anxiety and a comfortable, accepting atmosphere that eases embarrassment.

Dr. Stephen Auerbach, a Newport Beach urologist who specializes in impotence and leads the support group, provides the facts.

About half of the estimated 10 million men nationwide who suffer from chronic impotence have a psychological problem, he says. The rest have a physical problem that may be related to blood pressure medication or other drugs, diabetes, hormonal imbalance, alcohol use, smoking, spinal cord injury, or radical surgery for cancer of the rectum, prostate or bladder, among other causes.

Auerbach stresses that, in most cases, physical conditions can be treated with medication. Only 10% to 15% of his patients receive implants, he says, noting that the devices occasionally malfunction but have a 95% success rate over five years.

Most of his patients are over 50, but impotence also affects younger men, usually for psychological reasons, he says. And, adds Auerbach, who has done implants for men in their 70s, no one is too old to seek treatment.

It’s not uncommon for men to wait six months to two years to seek help, but by then a medical condition may be complicated by psychological problems resulting from repeated failure and frustration, Auerbach cautions.

“The man starts doubting himself and doesn’t communicate as well with his wife,” he explains. “They start shying away from each other, not holding or talking as much and sometimes sleeping in different rooms.

“The guy starts thinking of himself as less than whole. And the longer he goes on like that, the more psychological the problem becomes. Whereas, if he goes into treatment and gets positive results, his whole attitude changes. He has a lot more self-assurance. If people come in early, there’s a much better chance of not building up emotional scars and the expectancy of failure.”

Auerbach says his specialty is rewarding because almost 100% of all impotence cases can be treated effectively.

“There’s usually a fairly simple answer--either medication or a combination of medication and counseling,” he says.

He sometimes recommends counseling in addition to medical treatment. But often, medical tests reveal that counseling alone could solve the problem.

“Many people who come in thinking they have a totally physical problem find out it’s psychological,” Auerbach says.

Mark King, a Newport Beach psychologist who receives many referrals from Auerbach, says the main causes of psychological impotence are unresolved anger, fear of failure and anxiety. Also high on the list are job stress and depression.

King says he insists that both partners be involved in the counseling process, and they’re usually able to resolve their problem within, at most, 12 sessions and often four to six. The exercises he asks couples to do at home are designed to improve communication and create intimacy--and eliminate the pressure to perform.

Often, he says, men build up self-defeating anxiety by becoming spectators during sex. They monitor every move they make to see if it measures up to their expectations. Or they’re constantly worrying about what their partner is feeling and thinking.

“It’s like being on stage and the lights go on and they have to perform--but they can’t,” he says.

Lee, a 61-year-old Orange County resident who asked to remain anonymous, admits he used to think too much during sex. He’d tell himself, “Here we are in the same place at the same time of the week; I’m bored and she must be too.”

But when he sought help from King after nearly two years of impotence and a series of medical tests, he learned that boredom wasn’t the problem and the solution didn’t involve any drastic change in technique, time or place.

Lee, who has been married for 35 years, discovered that he had been repressing a lot of emotions, including hostility toward his wife because he felt she was too controlling and anger over changes at work that were being forced on him.

Through counseling, individually and with his wife, he was able to understand how difficulties he was having with self-esteem and aging added to his sense of losing control over his own destiny. And within a few months, the emotional barriers that had been interfering with his performance in bed had been broken down. He says his sex life, which had been satisfying before his bout with impotence, became better than ever.

“I became much more in tune with myself and my needs. I realized that I was always trying to please my wife. Now I’m getting much more pleasure for myself and giving her more pleasure at the same time.”

But most important, he stresses, they’re talking openly about their needs and desires--and setting aside more time for “dates” that help them break out of their routine and take a fresh look at each other.

“It’s not that we have wild variety--we’re not doing anything different than we’ve done for 35 years,” he explains. “What’s different is the way we feel. We’ve built more excitement into our relationship.”