Going to a Charity Bash? Just Follow These Simple Steps

Going to a big charity or political bash tonight?

Here’s the drill:

Go home and get dressed up in spangles and glitter. Forget tired.

Drive to hotel. Spend 25 minutes waiting in line for valet parking. Hard to walk in spangles and glitter.

Go to ballroom reception area. Pay $2.50 for ginger ale. Look for stars. Sorry, stars and other celebs are in VIP reception down the hall. You can’t get in. Then stars will go to photo opportunity session. You can’t get in. You will have a chance to see them, though, when they sit on dais in front of ballroom.

That’s just about seven large table centerpieces and three palm trees from your table--where you and your date are sitting with eight other people who work for--or are with someone from--your company and who your boss (who is sitting on dais since he is co-chair) sold $250-a-head tickets to. Or he had the company pick up the tab for the whole table.

Pray that entertainment is Robin Williams. Other likely star candidates are Dionne Warwick, Melissa Manchester, Red Buttons, Carole Bayer Sager and Burt Bacharach and (even though she is very pregnant and requires a very big orchestra) Pia Zadora.

While praying, eat salad including hearts of palm. Hearts of palm and too-tough-to-break-with-a-fork asparagus are musts for big dinners. As are ice cream cakes. Hope that if you are at the Century Plaza the committee has sprung for those marvelous little petits fours.

Stare at little aluminum pie plates that the hotel places between the candles and the candelabra. This saves on polishing graceful candelabra, count on votive lights, mirrors and amaryllis tall enough to block out woman across table.

Wait--the main course isn’t being served. The clever dinner committee, realizing in past years that people left after dinner, now have put the speeches between the salad and the entree.

Pray for rolls. And butter.

Pray that someone at your table has demanded coffee and so a pot is sitting there.

Pray that no one is going to do a Ronald Reagan imitation. Pray that the honoree has received at least one other honor in his life--and has not saved up every funny story from the fifth grade on, just to tell you, the now captive audience.

Finally, the veal. Which, at hotel banquets comes in two ways. Big Veal. And Little Veal. Big Veal is supposed to be a chop, but frequently is just a big piece of veal. Little Veal is thinner veal.

Dessert. The woman across the table takes three petits fours, so you are not sure if there will be one left for you. Ah, the allotment was generous.

Leave.

Not yet. Wait 26 minutes for your car in valet parking. Pay $7.

Drive home.

Take off your glitter and spangles.

Are you having fun yet?