Emphasis on Traditional Practices : Booklet Outlines Jewish Customs to Help Bereaved During Mourning

NEW YORK â€”  When death strikes in a Jewish family, the traditional mourning follows a somber pattern--no work, no entertaining, garments torn, praying thrice daily, and unrestrained tears.

For seven days, the bereaved remain at home, always with a light burning, symbolizing the inextinguishable soul. The mourners wear slippers, and sit on a low stool or other low place, signs of deprivation.

“Extolled and hallowed be the name of God. . . . May his kingdom come, and his will be done in all the Earth,� goes the ancient, oft-repeated mourners’ prayer, recited in Hebrew.

“To the departed . . . may peace and bliss be granted in life eternal.�

The customs are described in a booklet newly issued by the Women’s League for Conservative Judaism in an educational campaign on appropriate family practices at death and other special occasions.

‘Traditional Practices’

“There is a growing emphasis on traditional practices,� said Rabbi Akiba Lubow, program director of the Rabbinical Assembly, the Conservative wing of the three branches of U.S. Judaism, also including Reform and Orthodox.

The trend applies across the board, he said, adding, “As we advance more and more technologically, people are looking for forms that come out of tradition as an anchor for their lives.�

At a time of death in a family, that especially shattering time, the customs are meant to bring the grieving through that hard passage in full perspective both of present loss and faith in ultimate good.

The practices evolved through centuries, insights now often reflected in modern psychology.

For example, the guidebook advises that in the circumstances, let the tears flow, that talking and crying about the deceased “is important� and shouldn’t be suppressed.

“Judaism doesn’t encourage holding in emotions at such times of grief, but expressing them,� Lubow said.

Mourning for a Year

The rules of mourning apply at the death of a spouse, parent, son, daughter, brother or sister, lasting for a basic period of seven days, the shiva , and in moderated degrees, going on for an entire year.

At the start, on the funeral day, those left behind, the avelim , rip or cut some upper garment--blouse, shirt or a tie--symbolizing rending grief. Sometimes a black torn ribbon is substituted.

Unlike practices in some Christian funerals, there is no “viewing the body� in Jewish tradition, which considers the deceased best remembered in life rather than as a corpse.

After the funeral, friends are expected to prepare a meal for the bereaved family--the food traditionally circular such as bagels or hard-boiled eggs, signifying that life goes on.

But the meal is only for the bereaved, and “a shiva visit’ is not a time for socializing,� the guidelines say. “It is an attempt to bring consolation,� with conversation and concern confined to that.

Needs of Bereaved

Too often these days, “one visits a house of mourning only to discover a party atmosphere,� said Shirley Thaler, head of the league’s Jewish family living department. She said that such conditions don’t meet needs of the bereaved.

The bereaved stay home during the seven days of the shiva , except possibly for Sabbath synagogue worship. They are not to transact any business. Any household duties are done only for their own use. Marital relations are suspended.

Sometimes, mirrors in the house are covered, although this is not based on any Jewish law. Some Jewish authorities consider the practice superstitious. Others interpret it as indicating that vanity is unseemly in the presence of death and sorrow.

Throughout the mourning period--a year for a parent and the seven-day shiva for other immediate family members--the mourners’ prayer, the kaddish, is offered morning, afternoon and evening, beseeching:

“May they find grace and mercy before the Lord of heaven and Earth. May their souls rejoice in that ineffable good which God has laid up for those who reverence him, and may their memory bless those who treasure it.�

By tradition, the words are said in Aramaic, the vernacular in which the prayer first developed in antiquity.

Some aspects of mourning continue beyond the seven days. For instance, mourners are not to take part in any festivity or amusement for 30 days. That period is extended to 12 months for a mother or father, just as are the thrice-daily prayers.

While the rules aren’t specific on when to visit the grave of a departed family member, the guidelines say the usual practice is not to go until 30 days after burial, with a tombstone not dedicated until toward the end of a year.