‘Gossip Girl’: What would Chuck and Blair do?

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Everyone on Monday night’s ‘Gossip Girl’ could have benefited from channeling their inner Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf. The two brilliant schemers are so adept at manipulation and getting what they want that even they themselves, when caught in the stickiest of predicaments, must likely ask: ‘What would Chuck and Blair do?’ Let’s review five moments from Monday night’s episode that prompted me to ponder that very question.

Moment No. 5: Vanessa looked to role-playing to spice things up with Dan

The lowdown: Attempting to break from their routine friends-with-benefits pseudo-dates, V decided to take Serena’s advice and role-play using a scene from one of Dan’s favorite movies. She chose Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window,’ which had potential for intrigue if it weren’t for Vanessa’s unfortunate ‘50s costume and helmet hair. Rufus, who appeared during dessert, deemed the date a disaster and Dan was left scrambling to apologize.

WWCBD?: First, they would have informed Dan of the role-playing situation. You can’t wake a dude like Dan from a nap expecting him to enact a fantasy scene, even if he was supposed to be playing a convalescent. Then they would have gotten Vanessa something hotter to wear. Last, they would have brought binoculars to cruise the neighbors and reenact an interpretation of ‘Rear Window’ that would make Hitchcock proud.

Moment No. 4: Serena and Nate try to save the day

The lowdown: After learning Chuck had failed to get the hotel back from Elizabeth, Nate and Serena tried to set up Uncle Jack at Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show. The golden couple may have some things going for them (namely great hair and bone structure) but plotting is not one of them. Using the knowledge that Elizabeth had entered the whole Chuck extortion scheme out of love for Jack, they planned to entrap the man in the presence of high-class call girls and snap a photo of his indiscretions. Jack, of course, didn’t fall for it because Nate and Serena clearly don’t have the wiles to beat him at his own game.

WWCBD?: They would have paid a loyal hotel employee to sneak into Jack’s suite and hide a camera. It would probably be futile because Elizabeth had already signed the hotel over to him, but it would capture many compromising situations and any potential loopholes to his plans.

Moment No. 3: Jenny versus Agnes

The lowdown: Jenny’s former frenemy Agnes returned with enough vengeance in her heart to drug the naive high schooler and leave her in the middle of a drunken bachelor party. Has Jenny learned nothing this past year? Red flags should have been raised the moment Agnes took interest in her situation with Damien, but J let her guard down and hoped the power of forgiveness would overcome Agnes’s seething hate. Once again, Nate was there to rescue her from another date-rape situation, which leads Jenny down an even more slippery slope. Does she really want to mess with Serena right now? Yes, yes she does.
WWCBD?: They would have seen Agnes’ agenda from a mile away because she and Georgina Sparks are cut from the same crazy cloth (plus you can never trust a girl who playfully calls you ‘babe’ and ‘bitch’ in the same sentence). After seeing Agnes with the bag of pills, they would have used the time she spent walking the runway to go through her stash and replace them with Tic Tacs. They’d sip champagne with a smile as Agnes grew befuddled and stomp off.

Moment No. 2: Blair helps her mom close a big deal

The lowdown: Eleanor Waldorf assigned Blair the task of inviting 30 wholesome college freshmen to her fashion show so that Mr. Cromwell, the head of a Wal-Mart-type chain store, would agree to carry her new juniors line. Because Blair has no friends at NYU, she hired her call-girl friend Brandeis to fill the room. Incidentally, Brandeis invited a male escort who was very familiar with Cromwell, which immediately spoiled Blair’s plans to woo him.

WWCBD?: Blair being Blair took advantage of the situation and turned it into blackmail. The conservative Mr. Cromwell had no choice but agree to carry Eleanor’s line or have his secret spilled. The deal fell through after Cromwell’s request to change the line’s name didn’t fly with Eleanor. But Blair’s efforts were recognized, and she admitted her unhappiness at NYU to her mother. I’m guessing someone’s transferring to Columbia next season.

Moment No. 1: Chuck confronts his fake real mom

The lowdown: Talk about a seesaw of emotions! The back and forth about whether Elizabeth was truly Chuck’s mother continued until the very last minute of the episode, when it’s confirmed once and for all that she is the real deal. She confessed remorse to Chuck for her involvement with Jack’s plan but revealed that she’s been in love with him the whole time. When Jack chose the hotel over her, Elizabeth decided to skip town but not before telling Chuck that she wasn’t his mother. It’s a cruel, cruel world, people. If you can’t trust your own long-lost mother, who can you trust?

WWCBD?: Once Chuck gathers his emotions, both he and Blair will declare war on Jack. From the looks of next week’s preview, B is going to find herself in a precarious situation, but it must be part of the grand scheme, right? Or will B make the ultimate sacrifice for her partner in crime? I can’t wait to find out what Chuck and Blair do next.

Time for your thoughts. What were your favorite moments of the episode? How should Chuck avenge his hotel? Do you think this is the last we’ll see of Elizabeth?

xoxo

-- Enid Portuguez