Alert the media: It’s Steve Dilbeck for President

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Welcome, welcome, welcome, I’m so happy you could be among the first. I can feel the energy building, the groundswell undeniable.

The time will come when you can look back upon this day and boast, ‘I was there when it all began!’

The day I made the announcement: I am running for president.

No, not of the L.A. Times. Not president of the Beyonce fan club. Not even of the local fantasy baseball league. The president.

Steve Dilbeck, president of the United States of America!

Gives you goose bumps, doesn’t it?

Bring me your babies, your PACs, your cheesy slogans, your red-white-and-blue anything. I’m eager to move this campaign forward.

I would like to stop here for just a moment to thank all of the little people who brought me to this moment, except I don’t have any. I have three teenage boys who mostly roll their eyes at anything I say and a wife who pretends she doesn’t hear me. Sounds like great practice for politics to me.

Of course, I do have to thank Jamie McCourt for teaching me to reach higher. You just never know where inspiration is going to come from. One minute she’s in the midst of the Divorce of the Decade, the next motivating the next president of these United States.

Now according to Jamie’s double-secret action plan, which I am completely stealing, I will have to run for mayor of Los Angeles and then governor of California before launching my official presidential ambition. The price one has to pay for greatness.

But that’s just all so much messy work. Jamie is thinking big and so am I. Currently I’m trying to track down Dr. Charles Steinberg so he can come up with his seven-page opus: ‘Project Stevie.’

Now some of you may think me unqualified to run for political office. It’s not stopping Jamie. We big thinkers don’t see obstacles, we see opportunity. And a gullible public. Anyway, back in my newbie journalism days I used to cover a couple of city councils. What more experience could I possibly need?

Steinberg’s envisioned a ‘Jamie Coalition’ of women, minorities, youth, Hollywood types and ‘sports-loving males.’ I’m sure he can come up with a ‘Stevie Coalition’ of couch potatoes, bitter hacks, bald dudes and baby boomers with destroyed 401(k)s.

Are you tingling too?

Yes, I owe it all to Jamie, but she’d best stay out of my way now. My political machine is revving up and my constituents are on a mission: Steve Dilbeck, most powerful man in the world.

Somebody break the news to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. He’s first up.

--Steve Dilbeck