'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Tears, fears and all that jazz

By Allyssa Lee

March 26, 2013 12 AM PT

It’s only Week 2 of “Dancing With the Stars’” 16th season, but already people have stopped being polite and started getting real. All the stars were back for their second night of competition, but the specter of Tuesday night’s first elimination loomed large. Emotions ran the gamut during this Monday’s performance show: There were a lot of stars hitting walls this week – angry words hurled, and more than a fair amount of tears. On a more upbeat note, jazz was introduced into the show’s repertoire. And we witnessed our first nine scores!

Here’s how the stars aligned: “If you’re just tuning in, we’re playing ‘Find the Body Fat.’ ”

Zendaya proved that she wasn’t a one-hit wonder with her second routine, cementing her as the star to beat. First of all, she looked fantastic in that magnificent gold flapper dress and headdress. And even though there were hints of Bambi on ice when she first tried dancing in heels during rehearsals, there was nary a bobble to be found in her professional-grade jive.

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“Zendaya, you are the whole shebang – you killed that number!” Carrie Ann extolled. “You were great last week, but I did not expect that.”

Len predicted that the 16-year-old “Shake It Up!” star would sail right through to the final week. “You were fantastic,” he said.

“A star is born, big time!” Bruno boomed. “Your lines … are absolutely breathtaking.”

Love that despite oozing great technique, poise and effortless performances, she remains an unaffected 16-year-old. “I can work just as hard and do just as good as the big kids, you know?”

As Tom said, “Imagine how good she’ll be when she’s 17.”

Zendaya and Val received a 24 for last week’s contemporary marvel and a 26 (and two 9s!) for their jive. Total: 50 out of 60.

Like Kellie Pickler, I too have a hard time saying “jazz” without demonstrating some sort of jazz hand. So I can only imagine how difficult it was to keep the hand shaking to a minimum when pro partner Derek Hough explained that they were doing a more contemporary, modern routine rather than the Broadway razzle- dazzle.

The down-home country gal was a cheerleader back in the day, and she cheered the heck out of those sharp arm movements in this sci-fi, “Star Wars”-ian routine, which had shades of Derek’s much-lauded futuristic pasodoble routine with Joanna Krupa from long ago and a galaxy far, far away.

Kellie’s shiny bustier even had edges (“I cut Derek with my mirrors” during dress rehearsal). Carrie Ann was so impressed with the dance she nearly lost her dress. “Holy cow, my boobs almost popped out,” the judge over-shared. “That was ... amazing! Your extension, your feet, your artistry.”

“Last week was the spark, this week was the fire,” commended Len, who particularly admired the “wonderful toning” in Kellie’s feet.

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“That was modern dance at its most effective,” raved Bruno. “Weightless, beautiful, extensions that take your breath away … technically superb.”

Derek was a happy Jedi, waving the lightsaber/glow stick with ninja-like pride all the way up to the sky box. Kellie and Derek also scored a 26 (and two 9s) for their jazz routine. Total: 47.

Mark Ballas knew Olympic gymnast Alexandra Raisman had the endurance and precision to pull off a quickstep. Her challenge was to stop her dronelike poker face and get into character. And lo and behold, as Tom said, “Another successful graduate of the Mark Ballas School of Facemaking” was born.

Aly pursed and gaped like a true Ballas-ian in their fun, flighty routine. “Best quickstep of the night!” Carrie Ann hailed. Len’s only criticism was that Aly’s head went too far to the left. “But I tell you what, it was terrific,” he concluded. Bruno thought “it was like watching a magic little bluebird in full flight,” he said. “You were just skimming the floor, weightless… and your personality soared.”

Aly and Mark received a 24 for their quickstep. Total: 45.

How fun was Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff’s jazz routine – the first of its kind of the season? Sure, Jacoby’s a joker (“pull my finger”) filled with a lot of hot air. But after Karina’s dance mini-mes used their jazz hands to slap him down a couple of notches, and Karina got on Jacoby’s shoulders for an Andre the Giant as Dread Pirate Roberts impersonation, Jacoby was one cool cat, and he and Karina put on one great show. Five Guys Named Moe, indeed!

What a natural. You knew it. He knew it – why else would he snap his suspenders in triumph like that at the end? Though is it just me, or does he look a little like Kenan Thompson when he does those “posture” faces? “That, my friend, was rocking!” Carrie Ann extolled. “You brought it back to where it came from and you represented. Your lines are fantastic!”

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Len said this dance “suits you” and this routine was “full of razzle dazzle and razzamatazz.”

“Jacoby, and all that jazz!” Bruno bellowed. “It was like watching a headlining star at the Cotton Club … It had wit, charm, energy. You’re a performer, man.”

Total: 43.

Carrie Ann was right about one thing: Ingo Rademacher is really easy to watch. Doesn’t matter if he’s in contemporary white linen or a nice tie and vest number for a ballroom quickstep. Partner Kym Johnson wanted to make sure Ingo was “dancing his butt off” in this routine. Ingo hoped the judges like his quickstep. He hoped he liked his quickstep. I found it delightful: light and fun and he kept his hat on the whole time (Gavin DeGraw would be proud!).

“Bingo, Ingo,” Len praised. “Frame was good, though footwork was a hit and miss.”

“Overall, you have the spirit and the speed and the attitude,” said Bruno, though the “bonanza of tricky steps … messed it up a bit.”

Carrie Ann was the odd woman out, saying she thought Ingo’s frame was a little off, which caused him and Kym to go out of sync. Ingo and Kym received a 20 for their quickstep, and a 20 for their contemporary. Total: 40.

It was Beach Blanket Bingo of a jive for “Bachelor” Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd. Sean was struggling with the speed of the dance, and remembering what came next. Peta wasn’t afraid to employ her vocal cords to motivate the reality star. But their dance’s graphics were pretty cool. A shark had attacked Peta on the beach, and Sean was the bronzed lifeguard on duty who administered CPR and brought her to dancing life. And my, they are quite a tan couple, aren’t they?

My eyes went more to their outfits than their dance moves. Bruno thought Sean had charisma and was light on his feet, but said the routine was “a little more Lindy Hop and Jitterbug than jive.”

Carrie Ann said it was a solid performance, but “when you’re not exactly in sync with Peta you fall out of the music.” Len, however, did not consider this dance a day at the beach at all. “The theme of the dance took over from the jive,” he pouted. Len cranked out a 6 for the couple. Sean and Peta received a 20 for their jive. Total: 39.

After a first week filled with dread and pancake-hand accusations, it was nice to see Andy Dick batter up, get right out onto the dance floor and get his groove back. After a shaky first week debut, the comedian lucked out his second go-around with a Lady Gaga jazz routine that allowed him to go through the looking glass and let his freak flag fly with pro partner Sharna Burgess.

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And the mad tea party and dance floor filled with larger-than-life mushrooms were quite a trip. Andy got very much into his Mad Hatter character, posturing and writhing and sparring with the queen of hearts and endearing himself to the audience and the judges. “I really thought it was fun,” Len said. “You’re not the best dancer, but … what I like is your commitment.”

Bruno called the whole thing “outlandish and crackers. Really, a monster dance.”

“Wacko and demented and nailed it,” said Carrie Ann. Andy and Sharna earned a 20 for their wacked-out jazz routine, a three point improvement on last week. Total: 37.

Oh no, ice skater Dorothy Hamill is injured! Apparently she’s had “the tweak thing” – a cyst that goes right where the nerve goes over the bone that gives her absolutely no stability in her ankle and makes a proper jive next to impossible.

Tristan feels his Celtic tatted arms tied behind his back because he knows he can’t put his star in jeopardy. And their jive, set to “Chantilly Lace,” unfortunately was too tentative to be any fun. Tristan tried to take attention away from an out of sync routine by coiffing his hair up as high as he possible could, but there was no hiding the lack of sync and lost timing.

“That was a very brave attempt, considering that you don’t know if you’re dancing with Elvis or Liberace,” Bruno said, at an attempt at jocularity. But Dorothy lost footing so many times. Carrie Ann said what she sensed more this week was fear. Len said the routine “had promise, but it didn’t quite deliver. There was no bounce, there was no flair, there was no attack,” he said. “Coming through the legs I thought you were going to go to ‘Splash’ tomorrow night.”

Clearly, the ice skater feels bad. She feels bad for letting Tristan down. Tristan doesn’t know what to do with all the emotion. Dorothy and Tristan received a 15. Total: 36.

Victor Ortiz hit a wall. He and Lindsay were tasked with the jive, which required high energy and lots of fun. But the boxer wasn’t having either during rehearsals. The steps didn’t make sense to him, and it stopped him from progressing. And he didn’t want to go on with rehearsals. So good on Lindsay for taking the Vicious out of Victor and getting him back into the rehearsal ring.

“I’m here for as long as you want to go.”

Go, Lindsay! And sure – Victor’s kicks looked more like calisthenics than dance steps. But um, good energy! And split leap! “You didn’t knock my socks off,” Len pooh-poohed. “It could have been sharper. It could have been cleaner. … You were attacking it, it became scruffy.”

Bruno commended Victor for going for it “like a runaway train. Not even Denzel Washington will be able to stop you,” he said. “But because of it, all your stylistics go out of the window.” Carrie Ann tried to be nice and said Victor was “on the right track” with his attack. “But work on the feet,” she warned. Total: 36.

Lisa Vanderpump went from Beverly Hills to behind the iron curtain when Gleb Savchenko announced he was going “full Russian dictator” on the real housewife to prepare for their upcoming jive. Though he couldn’t really get through to her until he got emotional. And I didn’t think Lisa did so badly in her mile-high jive. She does seem to have this ease about her. Or maybe I was too distracted with Gleb’s audition for “Magic Mike 2” as he seductively took off his aviators and captain’s hat and gyrated vigorously with the top of his shirt opened.

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Ultimately Len did not feel the couple achieved proper liftoff. “You were trying to fly, but you never really took off,” the judge harumphed. “It was a little bit wooden … it didn’t have enough flow to it.” Bruno cheekily said Lisa’s less-than-stellar performance was “understandable – you’re not used to commercial flight.” The life police in Carrie Ann let newbie pro Gleb off with a warning, and she told Lisa to “let loose a little more.” Lisa and Gleb received 18 for both dances. Total: 36.

The thing that surprised Wynonna the most about last week’s performance? How much fun she had. But when Tony asked the country singer to figure out her motivation for this week, she quickly said: “To not pee in my pants. I mean, seriously.”

Loved Tony’s mall-cop theme for their quickstep (“they’re so bored that they want to dance!”). And I absolutely loved his porn ‘stache (code name: Hot Fuzz) and the Pointer Sisters’ “Neutron Dance.” So it was unfortunate when the routine didn’t live up to the dance’s humorous theme and high-energy song.

Bruno said the routine “started quite well” but “ended up in kind of a casual stroll. … You have to keep it up all the way through, my darling.” Carrie Ann encouraged the erstwhile Judd to “take more risks – you’re playing it very very safe,” she said. “I want to see it all come out.” Len said Wynonna was entertaining, but “it was like, the engine was running, but you never got out of first gear.” Total: 32.

Also stalling in first gear was D.L. Hughley. After his humiliating cha-cha with Cheryl Burke last week, the funnyman was feeling the pressure. All he kept seeing were those 4s. “DWTS” “went from a fun thing to ‘Hunger Games’ in tights,” he explained.

So tension ran high during rehearsals, and words rarely found in the glitterverse were exchanged. “We were doing our Whitney and Bobby impersonation for a little while,” Hughley explained.

But D.L. and Cheryl came back together, held their form and performed what I thought was a very respectable quickstep to “It Don’t Mean a Thing.”

The judges somewhat agreed. “I can see that you worked very very hard on that,” Bruno acknowledged. Carrie Ann gave him props for coming back after “you got slammed,” she said. “You still have a long ways to go, but you are on the right track.” Len said the show was all about improving each week. “And tonight, you’ve improved over last week. Well done.”

Still, the scores were quite low. D.L. and Cheryl earned just a 16 for their much-improved quickstep. Add that to the 12 they got for last week’s cha cha, and the total is a measly 28.

What do you think, ballroom fans? Will D.L.’s low scores make him the first casualty of this sparkly “Hunger Games”? Do you think he was scored harshly? Who do you think won’t get invited to next week’s prom? Did you tweet your #encore dance vote to the glitterverse?

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