WOMEN WHO LOVE BEING SINGLE : From the New Hite Report on American Sexuality

By SHERE HITE

Oct. 18, 1987 12 AM PT

FOR MORE THAN A DECADE NOW, cultural historian Shere Hite has been the high priestess of American sexuality. Her first book, the best-selling “Hite Report,” burst on the scene in 1976 with detailed information on women’s sexual activities culled from a nationwide survey of more than 3,000 women. In 1981, she turned the tables and surveyed more than 7,000 men for her book “The Hite Report on Male Sexuality.” Both books made head-lines with findings that challenged established beliefs--reporting, for in-stance, that an overwhelming majority of men married two years or more said they’d had sexual intercourse outside of marriage and that most women said they didn’t experience orgasm as a result of intercourse but did during self-stimulation.

For her new book, “Women and Love: A Cultural Revolution in Progress” (to be published this month by Alfred A. Knopf ), Hite distributed a questionnaire nation-wide, asking women to share their feelings about their relationships with men. A majority of the 4,500 surveyed believe that men withhold themselves from women and at the same time demand women’s emotional support; a majority feel that men are getting much more from relationships than they are willing to give. The depth of women’s resentment is so great, says Hite, that it suggests a major realignment of sex roles may be in store.

But what may surprise many is that--virtually unique among the women who chose to answer Hite’s 127 questions--single women who are not currently in relationships say they are relatively happy. The following are Hite’s discoveries, and the voices of single women talking about their feelings toward men, independence and their lives.

BEING UNATTACHED AND INDEPENDENT: CALLING YOUR LIFE YOUR OWN NINETY-THREE PERCENT of single, never-married women say they love the freedom of being on their own.

“I enjoy the idea of being single. I have the whole world to explore.”

“I love doing what I want, when I want--and it forces me to reach out to others.”

“Traveling and going places on my own, unencumbered by a partner--I enjoy it. I am free to go about as I please without having to defend my actions, or report to anyone. I have the option of doing all kinds of things! I haven’t yet found anyone I love and respect enough to commit the rest of my life to.”

“It’s great to be responsible for no one but yourself. I love being able to flirt with anyone I please, not being tied down, having an apartment exactly the way I want it, not having to answer to anyone.”

“I like being single--I like to check out the merchandise.”

“I love being single--but not alone. That’s probably why I have two men instead of one. The thing I like best about being single is there are no commitments. I come and go as I please.”

“I like meeting and being with different guys. Even though it may not work out, it’s still a good experience. I like getting attention from various men. Of course, there are disadvantages--days like Valentine’s, when all your roommates have boyfriends and you aren’t seeing anyone.”

Most women who become single after a divorce also love being on their own.

“It’s heaven to be single. No matter what problems the day brings, I look back, and by comparison the day is a fantastic success!”

“How do I feel? Good! I like to feel free, not tied down emotionally, because it always seems to engulf me. I never thought I could survive on my own, but I now realize I can spread my love among many people and have many fulfilling relationships.”

“After living with my husband for four years, I discovered that I couldn’t ever again stand the thought of living for a long time with another grown-up person. They sooner or later try to boss me, or I become the boss, and I can’t bear it. Children (I have two) don’t boss you around, and besides they grow and want to have homes and lives of their own.”

“I definitely prefer being single to being a part of an even moderately unhappy couple! Sometimes I miss having someone I can count on to do things with, but marriage never provided that anyway.”

“The great advantages all involve freedom--I love eating alone, shopping alone. I think the world travels in couples, though, and is mystified by individuality, especially in a woman. The great disadvantage is the huge number of married men hustling you if you are divorced. And the more independent and aloof you are, the more they fantasize about you--the macho challenge.”

“If I want to cook dinner at 7 or 9, or not at all, then I can. If I don’t do the laundry for two weeks, I am the only one to complain. If I want to read in bed half the night, I can. And if on Saturday I look like a witch, and don’t get dressed all day, it’s my choice. I like being responsible for myself and knowing that I can make it on my own, that I am the only one I have to depend on. The disadvantages are not having that someone special who understands me and loves me, not being able to give all the love I have. But my sex life is great. I have three or four men whom I see occasionally, and I thoroughly enjoy it.”

“Being single has only one disadvantage: not having regular, consistent companionship and sex. Other than that, life is much better for me as a single woman. I can choose my friends, plan my social life, plan my private life, do and say what I please at home, make my home mine--reflective of me--and I don’t have to answer to anyone or explain my actions to anyone. Isn’t it funny how long it takes to find out that freedom feels so good? Why do we rush into marriage like we do? Or is it just my age that makes me feel having my freedom has more advantages than marriage or commitment?”

“I’m open for a love relationship to happen, but it’s just not that important to me right now. My own self, work and friends are numero uno. I love being single. I’m celibate. I don’t seem to find it necessary to be involved. Independence! I’m free! I love going alone to parties, restaurants, shopping, movies. Sometimes I feel like going with others, so I go with friends, but sometimes I just need to be alone, and since this is something I didn’t have in my marriage, I’m still relishing it. Sometimes others try to make me feel as if there is something terribly wrong with me for being alone, but it’s their problem.”

Only a handful of women don’t like anything about being single.

“The first year I was single was sheer agony, the worst year of my life. Gradually, I’ve come to be more comfortable, but even now I’m lonely. Driving home from a party or from work, I wish I could have someone to talk to about the experiences.”

“I liked the freedom once I got used to it but found myself fair game for men on the make. Also, I found myself limited to women’s functions--I only met men in business relationships. Once I began dating one certain man, it was better.”

“I didn’t like being single. No emotional security, no stability, no financial security, no companionship, no closeness, no love or sharing. . . . I don’t enjoy going out alone and never did, and my sex life when I was single was nil.”

RAISING CHILDREN ALONE: MOTHER AND CHILD AS A FAMILY UNIT SINGLE-MOTHER FAMILIES,rather than being sad and depressed--as often depicted in stereotypes--are usually happy and content.

“Even though for weeks I’d thought and wondered and talked to my tummy, when the woman at my doctor’s office said, ‘The test is positive,’ a surge of energy rushed through me! I remember feeling stinging tears in my eyes and a warmth, a full warmth all through, when I thought, ‘Wow, there’s really a baby in there!’ I suppose there’s been a give-and-take to having chosen to have my child. (I’m not married, never have been.) I chose to give up my job to be with my baby--no big sacrifice--so that my son can have my attention, and so his first so important time won’t be spent with sitters. I didn’t have him so someone else would raise him. Whatever I’ve given up has been replaced. Having someone else to consider and plan for has helped me toward better treatment for myself. Seeing how dependent children are on their care-givers has brought my horrendous childhood back from my subconscious, and I’m now in the midst of therapy to help reverse all these feelings. Having a child that I love, really love, has let me see that I am capable of such strong emotion that I can take a risk and really care, and I can accept someone else’s strong caring for me--it’s not the same as a love relationship with an adult, but it’s an eye-opener.”

“I really get all I need from my job and from having children. Do you know how wonderfully close and affectionate it is to have children to sit in your lap and nestle next to you in bed, just leaning against you while you read them a story, or kiss them good night? I wouldn’t have time to sit and play with them and talk on the edge of their beds before they go to sleep if I were married. From what I remember when I lived with someone, he was always demanding my attention, and I’m sure he would be now, too. I’d feel guilty staying with the children that long, and from what I hear from other women, he would be rushing me, he’d want to be sure there was time for sex--and after all, between working, taking care of them and having a few minutes for myself, how much time is there in the day anyway?”

However, one woman fears she has no right to raise children without a man.

“My only regret is that I had to raise them alone. They have missed out seeing what a relationship between a man and a woman could be like. While they haven’t had a chance to witness the positives, they haven’t had to endure the negatives either. Whether or not that will be healthy for them, only time will tell.”

But others remind us that many mothers who are married have found that, in effect, they are “single mothers” anyway.

“The best part of marriage is children. In the ‘40s, a single parent was a problem for a child. But if I were doing it today, I’d have my children alone. My husband was a salary, not a father to them. I truly enjoyed all three of my sons--and their wives say I raised good husbands. But the children separated my husband and me because he wouldn’t get involved--his excuse was work. I ran the home and worked full time, after they were in school, and still put their needs first. Their father was rarely involved or around.”

“Look at it this way: Being a single mother, you only have one child! One person demanding your attention. Being married, you may work and still have to arrange for day care. A lot of why women feel so drained is not just ‘overwork,’ which is real, but the constant emotional drain of the man’s needs--which are totally on the woman--and his harassment of her on top of everything else, instead of helping with the children, and so she feels constantly guilty that she is not dealing with, meeting his needs--for more sex, more attention, et cetera.”

OLDER SINGLE WOMEN ARE OFTEN INDEPENDENT--AND HAPPY SIXTY-SEVEN PERCENTof older single women -- women over 60 -- rate themselves 7 or higher on a scale of 10 when asked, “How happy are you?” Single women of any age do not call themselves more “unhappy” than married women; single women, on the average, rate themselves two points higher on the scale.

One 70-year-old woman is single and enjoying it.

“I am a 70-year-old grandma who lives alone, and is very alive. I have two dogs. Love to study and love kids, especially my grandchildren. Right now I’m happy. Tomorrow, who knows? I’m happiest doing things--riding, studying, hiking, dancing, going to Maine to see my two youngest grandkids.

“My lover died this spring. I miss him. But in a way I am relieved! I don’t miss the put-downs. Since he died, I pass time reading dime novels. My goals? To write a little, fish, to design. Face death with humor!

“I’m not close to anyone, really. I had a roommate who I still like. I feel loneliest when I’m around couples in love. But I guess I’ve just had too much pain and am scared of getting near anyone. Love is ambivalent yet all-encompassing, all-important--but I’m glad to be out of it.

“Right now I’m enjoying being single. Usually everyone else--when I’m not single--is more important than I am. Now I’m important and enjoying it! Except I’m here for my fourth daughter if she needs me! I always looked for love till now. Now all I’ve got is me, but I don’t mind. I like it. Being single, you can do what you want. Don’t have to do anything. I can study; I’m interested in history. It’s OK being single when you are busy--but it’s hard to contemplate dying alone and no one caring. And sometimes I like companionship. I don’t like to go out alone, so I don’t go. I’m too busy right now anyway. My sex life is virtually nil.

“I was the most in love in my last relationship. He was older, and very bright and attractive. We were happy at times. I liked feeling wanted, needed and at home. It lasted till he died, holding my hand. I felt closest when I was being held, not necessarily making love. Also, we would just sit in front of a fire talking.

“I was married 28 years. There was a letdown after the honeymoon, yet I have no regrets. It was pretty awful when we were first married. We came to blows. The marriage was difficult--he was a real chauvinist! But maybe I worked harder with my kids than with my husband.

“I had relationships outside of marriage. I felt awful about it. It was mainly a sexual attraction. (I wish I had one now--but nothing too overwhelming.)

“The divorce was hard. I felt like a failure. Yet I was freer. I was really a walking nervous breakdown. Therapists helped me get out of it, get the feelings out. I learned you can never get in adult life what you never got as a child! Feeling this, and getting the pain out, saved my life. The therapists did not try to give me what I never got. They gave me my pain. In a way, I cried over it for 10 years--for all the losses of my life. But I’m OK now--I’m happily scarred.

“To women today I say: Love your kids and encourage them. Then do your own thing. With regard to love, don’t worry about happy endings. Life doesn’t have them! But you can enjoy it meanwhile.”

Thirty-one percent of single women over 55 say they are dating or living with and enjoying significantly younger men.

“I feel good about the way I look. I feel my personality as vivacious, my energy as ‘ready,’ and I love the fact that I attract interesting people. It is easy to meet someone I like and am attracted to, and whom I respect. They are usually much younger. I’m 63 and they are usually 34 to 45. I feel my sexual desires are damn healthy and best be enjoyed--I wish men my age had more like desires and needs.”

Only 24 % of single women over 60 are discontented with their situation.

“I am 73 years old. My husband passed away two years ago. I do not like being single. It’s very difficult at my time in life to meet someone. Even though he was ill for practically a year before he passed away, I was desolate. I miss doing things together terribly.”

“I am 60, a teacher. I hate being single. I just ended an eight-year relationship. Saturday nights are devastating, and times like New Year’s Eve. I don’t believe anyone envies my single state. I do have sex with my boyfriend about every two weeks. It is difficult at my age to meet a man I respect, and I believe single men today want to avoid commitment. Earlier in my life, I felt wonderful, when I married my husband at age 19. I was in love with him, and it was wonderful. We were married for 30 years, but then divorced. I felt most passionate in my 30s. Recently, I re-entered therapy to try to resolve my problems related to relationships. The conclusion of therapy so far is that I don’t have enough self-esteem.”

MANY WOMEN SAY THEY FEEL HAPPIER WHEN “OLD AND ALONE” EIGHTY-ONE PERCENTof single women over 65 like their lives very much , even if they could use a little more money; most enjoy their work, their gardens, lovers -- in fact, all facets of life.

Although living alone is supposed to be lonely, most women love to spend time alone. Most women say they can be themselves when alone in a more complete way than at any other time.

More women mention feeling lonely when they are in a relationship that isn’t close than they ever do being single. Few women mention feeling alone because of being single. Women say, over and over, that they have many good women friends, sometimes friends of a lifetime, and that their communication with them is the closest of their lives. Being single and trying out different relationships can be “lonely” because of the ups and downs, the lack of stability and the constant “starting over.” Although breaking up or being in a bad relationship can be depressing, actually being “alone” is not, according to the women surveyed. Most women in this study, single or married, say they would like to have more time alone.

When asked, “What is your favorite way to waste time? Please yourself ?” 92 % of women mention activities they do alone .

“I love to play music and dance. I love to read; I read a lot. I love movies. I love to sit around by myself and space out, I call it. That kind of time is very, very important to me. It’s not following any particular line of thought or concentrating on anything--it’s just zooming around the cosmos in my head. I need that time to relax, to cool out. It seems to be sort of like a deep well from which the inspiration comes--whatever it is, I need it to go on with my life and my love relationships, too. I guess it’s being with myself, renewing my relationship to myself, and discovering who I have become lately. Reminds me to love myself and have fun with my life. Be me.”

“I like walking in the country during the early morning, being near the ocean, riding horses and visiting museums--by myself, just free to see whatever I see.”

“My favorite way to ‘waste time’ is to walk around--anywhere--and stop wherever I please, usually by myself.”

“I love to go through old letters, rearrange and throw out books, read old writings of mine, including dreams.”

One woman states the case for being single .

“Being single, you have the opportunity to change the world, because male thinking patterns are quite stuck and it is difficult to debrief yourself while involved with them. You have no one controlling or discounting you as a single. Your life is more flexible. The disadvantages to being single, I think, rest in one’s needs for security and affirmation. At our present stage of development, women are more defined by love relationships than men. Women want to substantiate themselves adequately, so they look for men to do it--and thus put themselves in jeopardy. I think women are desperate for affirmation from the power group. But we don’t have to be.”

A woman who was married for 25 years, and now wouldn’t trade her independence for anything, sums it up .

“I was a wife and mother for 25 years. My work was basically homemaking. My greatest achievement is my four years of college. I didn’t graduate, but I still see it as my greatest achievement, beyond mothering, beyond wifing, beyond anything else. Also my divorce and entry into the world, because I don’t feel like I was in the world or in any way in charge of my own life until I got divorced. I’ve been divorced for nine years. I prefer it.

“The best job I could get when I left the marriage was as a cleaning woman--that’s my experience, what I did for 25 years. It’s worth it to be on my own. Being in control of my life. Independence! Absolute independence. I love doing what I want to do, being with whom I want to be, staying out as late as I want, changing my mind if I want, living the way I want, listening to the music I want.

“I remember crying over problems with my husband because I could never reach him, never really communicate with him. I was the loneliest when I was married, when he was with me but I couldn’t reach him emotionally.

“There was a time that I gave up on love as not being very important. Relationships are still not very important to me. People always say: Don’t give up, don’t give up. I don’t see it as giving up, I see it as a preference.

“I’m white, ethnic Italian. I have four years of high school and four years of college. The approximate total income in my household is about $5,000. I do cleaning work. It was what I did for 25 years. It’s what I’m best at. I obtained this questionnaire at my church.

“To women I say: You can be who you want to be. Look how I’ve changed! I’ve revised, I’m like T. S. Eliot. There will be time for a hundred more revisions. Oh, a thousand revisions.”

Vase courtesy Kaleidoscope Antiques, Monrovia; china courtesy Bullock’s, Pasadena